The Confrontation

The Confrontation
by Jaycee Avelino

I don't want to talk about the incident anymore... It just causes me pain. I just want to bury it...

To cry, to get mad, to be insensitive... I don't know. This issue is just too big to handle. Many of my friends say that I should not get affected. Yes that is a good solution. But if your job is at risk, how could you not get affected?

There's nothing wrong with what I did... but there's something wrong with those people who make and listen to rumors. I know myself, I know my intentions... but how could they make such a judgment? I feel that with that rumor about me, i have been robbed of my dignity as a person. I feel so bad about it... I feel that my image has gone really, really bad... And it is something very serious now. I am at risk...

I hate those people who talk dirty about me and those people who listen to rumors... I find them really malicious. And most especially, I hate Sam for joining the company of those skunks. Not that he betrayed me. Maybe he's not so serious about it. But when he said that, I feel that my world stopped, and then ran as fast as it could, leaving me from where I stand...

I didn't hear it when he said that. If my co-teacher/friend is not mistaken, it was yesterday when Sam said it loudly along the corridors as he left my room after the rehearsals. It hurt a lot. So that is what he (my friend) meant that the kid has misinterpreted my actions. I really hate Sam for that... even if it's just a joke; I feel that he already lost his respect for me. When I learned about it, I got and felt worse than I was this morning... I was really mad at him, how I hate him!

I don't know if I would believe him (Sam) a while ago. I was not talking much during our rehearsal. I just asked him to do something, and that's it. He had gone so quiet at his seat, occasionally looking at me with mad eyes.

Then I asked him, "Why are you looking at me like that? I should be the one feeling your feeling because I’m the one hearing nasty things."

"What did you hear?" he angrily replied. I brushed him off. He was very angry. After a while, he looked at me again.

"Stop looking at me like that! What's wrong?!" I asked.

"And what's wrong with you?!"

"Why are you so concerned?!"

"Because you're my fave... favorite teacher!"

I paused, turned my back at him, and cried."If I’m your favorite teacher, why did you say something bad about me?" my voice broke down.

"What did I say?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I want to do something!"

"You can't do anything!"

"I CAN!"

"Why? Can you change other people's minds? Can you change the way they think? You can't! They won't listen to you! So don't let this bother you. Let me handle this by my own!"

He let off a cry of frustration.

"Stop doing that. Don't let me bother you. Please," I said.

"It's now bothering me!"

"Are you living my life?!"

"No."

"You're not living my life! You have your own life to live, and I want you to enjoy it," I paused. "...but I promise you, I’ll be OK."

"No, you'll never be OK. Look at yourself! Everyone knows that you're not OK!"

I did not say anything. He continued, "If I hear about it, I will comfort you. But I don't know it, so I can't comfort you..."

I paused. "If people say dirty things about me, that's OK. Yes it will hurt but I can accept it. But if it came from somebody who knows me well, from somebody I trust so much, I can't accept it..."

"I'm sure that is me. What did I say?"

"Let me ask you something: What do you think of me? How do you see me? What do you think about the things I do for you - the gifts, the treatment you've been getting from me?"

He paused.

"See? You can't even answer my question."

I could not remember anymore. Sam did what he can to get it from me. He got Brian, he got Jinny, and he got the other people's attention while he did so. I swear, nakakahiya yung ginawa nya. But I don't want to tell him anything because I want to protect him. If he knows, it will be a burden for him. I care so much that I don't want him to get affected. I don't want him to experience the fears that bother me at the moment.

But my friends told me that I should talk to Sam... I should give him an explanation so he won't get hurt...

This is indeed, the lowest point ever in my life. But I'm still fortunate that friends support and pray for me. I'm still fortunate that my defense and offense is still with me, even though I hate him for the bad thing he said. Despite of my doubts, I'm still fortunate that there's still a somebody who wants to share my burdens. I've never felt so loved before... I appreciate everything...

But I can't tell when I could reestablish my old self. It's such a big burden and it's not a simple one that I could just lift off and throw. There are ways to cast it away, but I have to take things one at a time so I can fully recover without suffering the after-effects. People expect to see my old self tomorrow but I can't really promise. How can they expect me to smile when I feel so bruised and weak? I want to give time for myself to recuperate. The issues came so suddenly, one after the other. I need a break. I need time to cry, to feel sad, to get rid of the pain and move forward.

I pray for things to become ok. May God help me…